"I am more malay than you"

The title doesn't mean anything. It was from a conversation I had with Hafiz in his school while I helped him unload his art pieces (which I was thinking of stealing one) from the gallery to his makeshift 'storeroom'. It was about me looking chinese and being 3/4 chinese but have been living as a malay all my life. That's when I said that I was "more malay than him" which is a fact considering his surrounding and mine whie we are growing up. ^^,

Anyway, these days, it was like I am having a conflict war between myself. It was never hard growing up with a hijab on. It was like a way of life. Even when I was small, going out without the hijab, even to the store downstairs, was too overwhelming. I scurried past people hoping that I was a blur so they won't recognize me.

I grew up knowing what is halal and haram. I grew up knowing who is Rasulullah and who is my Creator. I grew up knowing my boundaries and yours. I grew up knowing a lot of things. And I fell in love. But was my love deep enough?

It was time for the little bird to leave the nest and explore the world. Mum and dad were encouraging albeit being a little worried. The world is vast and there are a lot of route to follow, bad and good all the same. It was intimidating but a leap of faith was what the little bird did take and off to the world she flew.

It was a struggle. I met new friends, I met all sorts of people. They appreciated me, they challenged me, they made fun of me and sometimes they told me that I was beautiful. Everyday was a new challenge. Everyday was a battle, a silent war, that I went through. Sometimes I win, other times, I lay there, defeated.

I question myself every now and then. How do I want to live? Bimardhatillah, insyaAllah! But satan is very very very powerful. I could cry and cry saying I want to repent so badly but where is my strength? Is there any route back to siratal mustaqim? Of course there is! If there's a will, there will be a way. But where is my will? Where is my strength? Where is my love I once told myself I have.

Where is my jihad? When was the last time I stood up for my Allah and Rasulullah? When was the last time I looked at myself and say, "shame on you". When was the last time I thought of akhirah rather than dunya? When was the last time...?

I thought it would be easy but being alone is a lot harder. When you are alone, your real strength is tested. Your intentions should be questioned. I need to chance and biiznillah, I am going to change, please lend me the strength, please make dua for me. I need it very much this time.